‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
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Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse