I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
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[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
*seductively eats two tums*
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.