What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
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Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.