No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
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I’m putting together a team
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
The fall of Netflix
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
step 6: release the wall snake
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.