It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
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Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
There are no pants in heaven.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.