People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
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Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.