Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Thursday Thought.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?