Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
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Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there