If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
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Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Very problematic
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
No. YOU-buprofen.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.