Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
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[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
*limbos under the caution tape
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
This story is comedy gold 😂
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.