Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
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My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Put a ring on it
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?