for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
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WTF
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
the #horror is real!
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
😂😂😂
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!