My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
You Might Also Like
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Snapes on a plane.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.