Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Knock Knock
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!