My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
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Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
meanwhile over on facebook
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.