I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
i will not be silenced
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
#MeanwhileInCanada
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING