If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
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knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Pigeon open mic night.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?