Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I’m having an out of money experience.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.