Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
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The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Don’t talk down to me
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
“what that mouth do?” complain