Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
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[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
My what?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks