Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
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“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat