If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
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I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Funny women are smart. Be careful.