[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
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*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end