I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
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Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
What an awful time to have common sense.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.