If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
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A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Breaking news:
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
This is the best one I’ve seen
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.