DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
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I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.