I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
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Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know