If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
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Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
My Guy
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..