[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
You Might Also Like
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
My dating profile:
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child