Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
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*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco