If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
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6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.