When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
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Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
The “baby” on the left….
Yup
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though