If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
same vibe as tangled headphones
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab