Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
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“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
mood
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious