*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
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the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
be careful
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.