Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
You Might Also Like
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.