A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
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when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Mhm.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?