Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
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[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Respect
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt