The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
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me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”