She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
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luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
These are my roll models.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.