Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
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Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack