Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
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Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family