1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
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you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.