Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
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APOLOGISE NOW!!!
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Monday?
No. Next question.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.