[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
You Might Also Like
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”