Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
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Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”