day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
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God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Fidel Castro was alive?
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Am I having a stroke?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?