Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
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I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Me trying to “trust the process”