“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
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Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then