*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
You Might Also Like
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
#catsoftwitter
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?